Is Santa safe from Injury – By Adam Edwards

Christmas – is even Santa safe from injury this time of year?

Now, according to the Mirror, 80,000 of us Brits will somehow injure ourselves this Christmas, but is St. Nic going to somehow injure himself this Christmas?

Likely ways Santa will injure Himself this year include;

  1. Crashing his sleigh
  2. Rudolf  “kicks off “
  3. A heart attack
  4. The cold
  5. A stray bullet or missile from the middle east

Crashing his Sleigh

Considering a dog sleigh crashed in Sweden last year, is this really safe for our old gift giver or for those he visits? Think about it, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, and if we consider that there are 2 billion children under 18, he has to move at excessively fast. Now if we consider that the average household has 3.5 children in, and that Santa doesn’t seem to visit those of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist faiths, which will reduce the number by roughly 15%, but still 92.8 million homes, which indicates that Father Christmas has to travel at 650 miles per second and has 1/10th of a second to park before hopping down our chimneys. It’s great what you can learn from ‘The Physics of Santa’).  If nothing else this data provides a perfect excuse for breakages on xmas eve caused by one too many down the pub; blame Santa. I’ve bricked up the chimney this year; let’s see how he copes.  

Reindeers Kicking Off

Reindeer – docile and helpful sleigh puller and Santa’s steed of choice, or are they malevolent killers seeking revenge for the years of injustice they think that they have suffered at the hands of mankind? Pat Cook will argue that she was lucky to survive, and so would Ms Davis who suffered an attack in 2009. Santa seems to be living a charmed life but eventually his luck will run out. Do  eight or nine conventional (or even flying) reindeers  have enough pulling power to transport all the gifts around the world! Apparently he really needs 214,200 of the horned hoodlums to do the job and even then the front two reindeer will each be subject to 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. I really do have to thank ‘The Physics of Santa’ for all these facts and figures.

A Heart Attack

Santa’s health must take a hit over Christmas; I mean think of all those pies that he’ll have to eat! According to a 12 yearlong study by Dr Robert Kloner Ph.D we are more likely to suffer heart attacks around December and January (the months of brilliant, but excessive food as I like to think of them). So think of Santa’s heart when you pace those mince pies under the fireplace ready for him to come, we really don’t know when his hearts going to blow! Think about it, Santa has been delivering presents to us for years, and if the ordinary folk of this great and magnificent earth can’t handle the excess food of Christmas, how is Santa going to handle 100 million mince pies in 31 hours without any major heart problems?

 

A Cold Snap

He doesn’t qualify for the winter fuel allowance being a Jonny Foreigner however so death by cold will be a major concern for Father Christmas, particularly when over 60 people died earlier this year in Eastern Europe. It was so cold that people had to open the fridge to heat up their houses! Never mind the fact that it gets a lot colder up in space, as Felix Baumgartner probably knows – maybe they should exchange notes on human space travel? What if they worked together? Father Christmas flies the sleigh and Felix jumps out and strategically drops the presents in such a way that they all go through the chimneys at the same time! I am defiantly going to write to Father Christmas and suggest this! But any way, death by cold is a serious issue that Father Christmas should be aware of and definitely be preparing himself – and his reindeer – for.

The Palestinian Factor

The Middle East is a touchy subject, because of many reasons such as the Arab spring, the Syrian war and the Palestinian Israeli conflict. There is clearly a lot to be concerned about. The missiles have reduced over the last few weeks but if Hamas kick off again or the Israelis invade then the skies above the middle east will be a true no go zone for Father Christmas as he zips between Christians and those who just believe in Christmas .The horrific possibilities are endless! There is potentially so much terror that could befall our beloved Rudolf, and all the other much loved Christmas steeds. However we must consider his pre-mentioned speed though, no missile will ever be able to catch him, unless now is the time that Tony Stark decides to put his mind to developing a rocket that can travel at such speeds!

I think it is wise, to leave you on a positive note so  merry Christmas, and a very happy, but safe, new year!

Now to see how our good old friend is doing, visit Norad, and have a very merry Christmas from all of us at Edwards Hoyle!

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